Those who have aging and ailing parents are often faced
with several stressors. For example, a woman may be
married with four children of her own, and she also cares
for her own elderly mother. Such care is not easy or
cheap. First, there are the sheer physical demands of
driving, feeding, errand-running, "counseling," and
overall support given to her mother and her own family.
Trying to be all things to all people can be physically
demanding.
A second stressor is often experienced emotionally. For
example, the woman may experience anger or frustration at
her mother. Reasons for such anger include unrealistic
expectations on the part of the parent. Another emotional
stressor is the start of the grieving process, in terms of
feeling sadness due to the fact that the mother is
declining in her abilities. She is not able to perform at
a level the family had been accustomed to over the years.
Another emotion one may experience is anxiety:
"Are my parents okay? I told my father I would shovel
his driveway, but he insists on doing it himself, despite
the fact that he has a heart problem."
How does one cope with all these stressors? One
important point is to look after one’s own physical and
emotional health.
Also, one needs support, both within the family and
outside the family. Don’t be afraid to ask for help.
Delegate your responsibilities. One should also make one’s
daily expectations more realistic. For example, allow
yourself to order pizza on a busy day, and acknowledge
that some of the housework can be put on hold. An
unrealistic schedule, over time, is bound to cause
resentment.
Last, try to appreciate these days with your parent.
Try to really listen to what your parent is saying (from
the mother or father’s own point of view). Try not to
dismiss his or her views and opinions. Remember, our
parents have lived and survived, and have gained wisdom.
Give courage to one another, and remember the love that
you will always have for each other. This will sustain you
in the face of any stressor.
____________________________
Dr. Phil Scozzaro is a psychologist with Blick
Clinic, Inc., and an adjunct professor at Southern Ohio
College
